Finally.

A boy with a coin he found in the weeds

With bullets and pages of trade magazines

Close to a car that flipped on the turn

When God left the ground to circle the world

A girl with a bird she found in the snow

Then flew up her gown and that’s how she knows

If God made her eyes for crying at birth

Then left the ground to circle the earth

A boy with a coin he crammed in his jeans

Then making a wish he tossed in the sea

Walked to a town that all of us burn

When God left the ground to circle the world

I have just made the discovery of Sam Beam.

I absolutely love his music.

Iron and Wine is great(:

So today has been really great.

I have been having such a good day.

Me and my mom have been getting along better than we have in..

I don't even know how long.

We've been talking, laughing, and really enjoying each others' company.

But now that I have come to think of it, I've realized that I know nothing about my mom.

Well, you know what I mean.

Like. what she does during the day, what she enjoys doing, how things have been going for her..

Stuff like that.

And vice versa.

It's definitly due time for some catching up.

I've missed having a relationship like this more than anything.

And I'm going to try to do everything I can to keep it going.

It's really nice to finally have some good company(:

I feel like this is really going to be one of my best christmas's.

I've gotten presents for most of my friends and family,

And I've found that it feels so much better to just get other people presents, then to shop for myself.

There isn't really much that I want for christmas,

But just to be with my friends and family,

And to feel christmas, and happiness.

And I'm feeling it this year.

I really am.

Things are gonna be great.

(:

Coexist.

I've been thinking a lot lately.
Not sure if it's a good thing or not,
But I've been contemplating a lot of things that are going on in my life right now.
And I've really thought mostly about..
Ehh, what exactly I need, and what I don't, if that makes sense?
Not exactly sure how to put this down.

I'm just tired of trying so hard with things that are unnecessary, you know?
Like with certain friends, or other things like that.
Cause, I'll go out of my way to be a really good friend to a person, and try really hard to make them feel good, but then it kind ends up just being unnecessary, if you catch my drift.
I would rather just keep two, maybe three people around me close, and kinda just drift from everyone else.
Just keep exactly what I need, and let everything else happen as it will.
It might be lonelier, but it would be easier.

I don't know if this is a selfish thing to do though..
Just kinda letting everything go, so I can have an easier time?
And don't get me wrong, there are a lot of people that I care about alot.
I just.. ehh, I don't know.
Part of this is probably cause I move around quite a lot, and everywhere I go, the people that I've attached myself to have to be left behind, and that's one of the hardest things for me.
I hate goodbyes.
And I know that I'll probably be moving again in the next year, or less.
And if I distance myself from everyone now, it'll just be easier in the long run.

But I don't know.
It's probably a selfish thing to do.
I'm just thinking a lot.
And I probably don't mean most of this, and will change my mind about it sooner or later.
I'm just kinda worn out, you know?

I just want to coexist.
There isn't really any other way I can think of putting it.
Just simply exist.
And have everyone else do the same around me.

Suck it.

So today really just sucked big time.

As soon as I woke up, I felt this sinking sensation in my stomache, because I knew what day it was, and this big lump just welled up in my throat and i had to bite it back, because I didn't want to make it any harder on my mom than I already knew it was gonna be today.

Then once I got to school, I was still biting back that big lump, and then I saw Heather, and she gave me a big hug, and I seriously thought I was gonna lose it right there.. But I swallowed it again, and gave a big smile.


That's how it went most of the day..
That stupid fake smile.
Keeping myself composed, but always being on the edge.


Then finally, in 4th hour I couldn't keep it in anymore, and I ran to the bathroom, and just cryed, and cryed, and cryed.

Everthing just came out.
From every little thing that had been bothering me, up to today's fact.

And to make things worse..
On days like these, it makes me realize I don't really have anyone to run to and be like, "Ohh, guess what happened?!"
And then start crying in their arms, and know that everything will be okay, because I have this person near me.

I miss Jude.
I miss Cody.
I miss Kalen.
I miss Taylr.

I miss the only people that were really always there.
Why did I have to move so damn far away from them?

And I know that everyone around me, I will probably never see again after high school..
Unless it's at some sort of reunion, or something along those lines.
I want friends that I know will be there my whole life.
I want them close, so that they can be the ones that catch me when I fall.

I want Oregon.
And I want it now.
It can't come soon enough for me, and that's the only thing that keeps me going sometimes.

Damnn.

December 10th.

Two years ago today.

It seems like it's been so much longer..

Sometimes I can barely remember your voice, your laugh, your face.

Something that really scares me.

There is so much that I long for you to be able to be here for!

So much that I wish you could teach me.

If I could only have one more day with you..

There is so much I wish I could tell you.

Who could possibly have needed you more than me, that they had to take you away?

Why then?

When we.. and I! Needed you more than anything?!

I only wish you could be here now.

There are so many things that my eyes have been opened up to,

So many things that I have learned, that I need to show you!

How fucking ignorant, and sheltered I was..

So ungrateful to what I had.

I see so much more life, and beauty in everything!

All I wish is to make you proud.

But you're not here to see it..

I am so sorry.

For everything I have ever said,

Or done.

I never meant a word.

If I had only known..

You are someone who I look up to with the highest respect,

And I am so proud to be able to have called you my father.

You are someone who I will always strive to be like.

You had so much wisdom, and love to share with everyone,

I know that if there is a heaven,

You will be welcomed in as an angel.

I love and miss you more than anything.

R.I.P.

May angels lead you in.

Enough of this?!

Honestly.
How hard is it for people to just be nice?
Not because you're going to get something out of it, or because you want people to think you're a good person, but to just be nice.. For the sake of it.
Some of the people I listen to in school just make me sick!
They are just completely selfish, and they couldn't give a damn about anyone elses thoughts or feelings.
I just sit there, listening to all of the sickly cruel things that stream relentlessly out of their ignorant mouths, and I think, how can you possibly be so heartless?
There do happen to be other people that have feelings around you, regardless of what your selfish mind might think.
And in a way, it makes me feel bad for them, because once they get their sorry, sheltered asses out into the real world, they will get an extremely rude awakening.
They will get kicked around, just exactly the same way that they kick some of these poor kids around.
And then they'll realize what it feels like, and wish like nothing else that they had learned to actually have a heart towards other people.

Does it make all you assholes happy to know that by the cruel, ignorant things you're saying, you are causing people to feel horrible about themselves, and go to extents like these?

Yeah, it might sound ridiculous now..

But it's something that's become all too common in our society.

Seriously.

Open. Your. Eyes.

And maybe just try.. Just a little bit to be somewhat decent to the people around you?

"An eye for an eye makes everyone blind"-Ghandi

As we all walk around like blind, ignorant bastards, nothing will change, unless we decide to actually do something about it.

It's not that hard.

And it makes a difference, really.

Every little bit helps.